When You’re Highly Sensitive and Way Too Hard on Yourself
When you’re highly sensitive and way too hard on yourself, it can feel like you’re “too much” and “not enough” at the exact same time. You might move through your days holding so much—memories, mistakes, breakups, family dynamics, old trauma—and still tell yourself you should be handling it better. If this is you, there is nothing wrong with you for feeling deeply or needing support.
When “being sensitive” starts to feel like a problem
Maybe you’ve heard some version of “you’re too sensitive” your whole life. You notice the tiniest shifts in tone, you replay conversations for days, and conflict feels like it gets into your bones instead of sliding off your back. You might cry easily, feel completely wrung out after social events, or need more time alone to reset than other people seem to.
Over time, it’s easy to start believing that the sensitivity itself is the problem—that if you could just toughen up, you wouldn’t be struggling so much. So you push yourself to keep up, pretend certain comments didn’t hurt, or talk yourself out of your own reactions. You may even start doubting your reality: “Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it really is my fault.”
The perfectionistic part that tries to keep you safe
If you’re highly sensitive, there’s a good chance you’ve also developed a strong perfectionistic side. Perfectionism isn’t just about color-coded calendars or wanting good grades; it’s often a survival strategy. If being “too much” has ever led to criticism, rejection, or shame, it makes sense that another part of you decided: “Okay. I’ll just do everything right so no one can be upset with me.”
That part might show up as:
Replaying every conversation, looking for what you “did wrong”
Panicking at the idea of disappointing someone, even in a small way
Putting everyone else’s needs first, then collapsing when you’re finally alone
Harsh inner commentary: “You should know better. Why are you still stuck on this?”
From the outside, people might see someone dependable, thoughtful, high-achieving. On the inside, it can feel like you’re constantly bracing for impact—waiting for the moment you mess up, get left, or finally prove to everyone (and yourself) that you really are too much.
How this plays out after trauma or breakups
If you’ve been through trauma, betrayal, or a painful breakup, this sensitive, perfectionistic mix can make healing feel especially complicated. It’s not just that you’re hurting; it’s that you’re judging yourself for hurting.
You might notice yourself:
Blaming yourself for what happened, even when another person clearly crossed a line
Feeling ashamed that you “still aren’t over it” months or years later
Comparing your pain to others: “Other people have gone through worse and they’re fine”
Wondering if your past somehow proves that you’re broken, unlovable, or destined to repeat the same patterns
Because you feel things so strongly, the impact of trauma or loss can run deep. Memories may feel vivid. Your body might react before your brain can catch up. Old feelings of not being safe, wanted, or good enough can resurface quickly. Instead of seeing this as a nervous system doing its best to protect you, it’s common to turn it into a story about personal failure.
The story your inner critic tells you
Your inner critic usually thinks it’s being helpful. It might believe that if it just stays loud enough—pointing out every possible flaw—you’ll finally get it “right” and avoid more pain. The problem is that this voice doesn’t leave much room for being human.
It might say things like:
“You’re too sensitive; no one else would be this upset.”
“If you were stronger, this wouldn’t still bother you.”
“Of course they left. You’re always too much.”
“You should have seen it coming. You’re supposed to know better.”
When you hear messages like this day after day, it makes sense that your self-worth starts to feel fragile. You may keep functioning—showing up at work, being there for friends, sending the texts, doing the tasks—but internally, it can feel like you’re barely holding yourself together.
What if there was nothing wrong with being “too much”?
Here’s a different possibility: what if your sensitivity and your high standards are signs of how deeply you care—not evidence that you’re flawed? The part of you that notices everything is also the part that can see nuance, beauty, and complexity. The part that wants to “get it right” is often the part that values integrity, responsibility, and depth.
For many people, healing isn’t about becoming less sensitive or lowering your standards into apathy. It’s about:
Learning how to work with your nervous system instead of constantly overriding it
Turning your empathy inward, so you aren’t the one person left out of your own care
Letting go of the belief that you must earn your worth by never needing anything
Seeing that the traits you’ve been shamed for can also be sources of strength, creativity, and connection
You don’t have to choose between being sensitive and being okay. Both can be true: you feel deeply and you are capable of building a life that feels steadier and kinder on the inside.
What therapy with me can look like
In therapy, we don’t rush past your experience or try to talk you out of it. Instead, we slow things down enough for your story to actually make sense—to you, not just to everyone else. Together, we pay attention to the moments you feel like “too much” or “not enough” and gently trace them back to where you learned those messages in the first place.
Our work might include:
Making space for the parts of you that feel ashamed, needy, or “dramatic,” without telling them to quiet down
Exploring how past experiences—family dynamics, breakups, religious or cultural messages, trauma—shaped the way you see yourself
Noticing the patterns you fall into in relationships (over-functioning, caretaking, staying quiet) and experimenting with small, doable shifts
Practicing kinder ways of talking to yourself, ones that don’t require you to be perfect in order to be worthy of care
My approach is thoughtful, grounded, and insight-oriented. We’re not just treating isolated symptoms; we’re looking at the whole of your life and how all of your parts developed for a reason. You don’t have to perform, have the perfect words, or know exactly what you want to work on when you arrive. We can figure that out together.
A gentle invitation
If you recognize yourself in this—highly sensitive, often too hard on yourself, carrying old pain from trauma or relationships—you’re not alone and you’re not broken. Wanting support doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re human and you’re tired of doing all of this by yourself.
I offer online therapy for adults in Florida and Pennsylvania, with particular care for people who feel like “too much,” “not enough,” or both. If you’re curious what it might be like to have a space where you don’t have to apologize for how deeply you feel, you’re welcome to reach out for a free 15‑minute consultation and we can see together whether working together feels right for you.
